Blogging is a scary thing. I'm putting myself out there for people to see. They'll find out that I am a terrified human being, that I have really poor grammar and punctuation skills (the homeschooler in me is so incredibly embarrassed and wants to keep this fact hidden until the day I die), that sometimes I'm insecure, that I'm a jerk, that I can be a miserable and discontent ingrate. Sometimes I post a real, honest entry and then freak out and delete it a second later. That's why I haven't invited more than two people to read "The Linden Tree", and I have instructed them to not mention blogs to me unless it is to praise my eloquent writing. And I think only one (maybe two?) of my 4 readers I have actually met. I don't want people I know to read what I write....so awkward and uncomfortable and personal!
This morning I signed into blogger at 6:00 am to find that I had 27 views already just today. And then I signed in again 3 hours later and I had 53 views. This sent me into a panic. I typically get no more than 12 views in a day and most of them are my own. But, 53? And it's only 9:00 am? Who is reading my blog? Who knows all my crap? I want to retreat into myself and delete everything I have ever written. Because the truth is, I'm terrified of getting even one negative comment about my writing. I think that if that happens I will delete this blog. I need to be praised and if I'm not going to be praised then you better shut up because I can't take criticism. I am aware that this is wrong.... I know that I am a brat. But, for now this is my ugly truth.
"If, anywhere in your soul, you feel the desire to write, please write. Write as a gift to yourself and others. Everyone has a story to tell. Writing is not about creating tidy paragraphs that sound lovely or choosing the 'right' words. It's just about noticing who you are and noticing life and sharing what you notice, When you write you truth, it is a love offering to the world because it helps us feel braver and less alone. And if you're a really, really bad writer then it might be most important for you to write because your writing might free other really, really bad writers to have a go at it anyway....If you feel something calling you to dance or write or paint or sing, please refuse to worry about whether you're good enough. Be generous. Offer a gift to the world that no one else can offer: yourself."
Maybe I'm not the best writer in the world, but I love it. I would die if I didn't write everyday (slight exaggeration--maybe?). I have a story to tell. Mostly for my own benefit because I'm trying to figure out how to be my best and putting it into words somehow helps me make sense of myself.
This isn't the funniest blog or the deepest or the most poetic....but I am realizing that I need to refuse to worry about whether [I'm] good enough. Be generous. Offer a gift to the world that no one else can offer: [myself]."
Two things I am learning to be true. One is that:
I'm stepping out of my comfort zone and being true.
Someone posted on my Face Book status today and asked if I keep a blog and if I don't that I should. Apparently I post awesome statuses. Maybe I should come out of the closet and tell my family and friends that I am a blogger and actually give them the link to my blog! **GASP!!**