Tuesday, April 30, 2013

Stepping Out & Being True

Blogging is a scary thing. I'm putting myself out there for people to see. They'll find out that I am a terrified human being, that I have really poor grammar and punctuation skills (the homeschooler in me is so incredibly embarrassed and wants to keep this fact hidden until the day I die), that sometimes I'm insecure, that I'm a jerk, that I can be a miserable and discontent ingrate. Sometimes I post a real, honest entry and then freak out and delete it a second later. That's why I haven't invited more than two people to read "The Linden Tree", and I have instructed them to not mention blogs to me unless it is to praise my eloquent writing. And I think only one (maybe two?) of my 4 readers I have actually met. I don't want people I know to read what I write....so awkward and uncomfortable and personal!

This morning I signed into blogger at 6:00 am to find that I had 27 views already just today. And then I signed in again 3 hours later and I had 53 views. This sent me into a panic. I typically get no more than 12 views in a day and most of them are my own. But, 53? And it's only 9:00 am? Who is reading my blog? Who knows all my crap? I want to retreat into myself and delete everything I have ever written. Because the truth is, I'm terrified of getting even one negative comment about my writing. I think that if that happens I will delete this blog. I need to be praised and if I'm not going to be praised then you better shut up because I can't take criticism. I am aware that this is wrong.... I know that I am a brat. But, for now this is my ugly truth.

Glennon says,

"If, anywhere in your soul, you feel the desire to write, please write. Write as a gift to yourself and others. Everyone has a story to tell. Writing is not about creating tidy paragraphs that sound lovely or choosing the 'right' words. It's just about noticing who you are and noticing life and sharing what you notice, When you write you truth, it is a love offering to the world because it helps us feel braver and less alone. And if you're a really, really bad writer then it might be most important for you to write because your writing might free other really, really bad writers to have a go at it anyway....If you feel something calling you to dance or write or paint or sing, please refuse to worry about whether you're good enough. Be generous. Offer a gift to the world that no one else can offer: yourself."

Maybe I'm not the best writer in the world, but I love it. I would die if I didn't write everyday (slight exaggeration--maybe?). I have a story to tell. Mostly for my own benefit because I'm trying to figure out how to be my best and putting it into words somehow helps me make sense of myself.
This isn't the funniest blog or the deepest or the most poetic....but I am realizing that I need to refuse to worry about whether [I'm] good enough. Be generous. Offer a gift to the world that no one else can offer: [myself]."

Two things I am learning to be true. One is that:



And that:


I'm stepping out of my comfort zone and being true.

Someone posted on my Face Book status today and asked if I keep a blog and if I don't that I should. Apparently I post awesome statuses. Maybe I should come out of the closet and tell my family and friends that I am a blogger and actually give them the link to my blog! **GASP!!**

2 comments:

  1. I am reading Glennon and saw your comment and am now reading you! Don't be scared, I don't bite! LOL I am a closet blogger---well one --foot in the closet--cosy slipper on and one foot out of the closet with jingling bells on a very high heeled red leather peep toe shoe. I started blogging just recently--ok that is not true. Yes come clean. Ok so I have blogged before and let my friends read--but found I was writing more for them than for me. This new one is all for me! It's a long story--you can read where it comes from if you like.....

    But this new blog--I invited my closest friends to read...my sister...my step-mom...and almost all the folks I went through group therapy with. So I am WAAAAYYY out there to those I know ---who have a shared history--and I am WAYYY out there to a few good friends and some family --but -- no one--and I mean NO ONE from work knows about this blog. I am worried about what they will think --that they will judge-- and if I ever return to work (I am off on medical leave--7 months now?) I will have lost their respect. Even being near work puts me in constant red alert panic attack mode--but I am working through it by writing.

    I used to be an English teacher 12 years ago so I use...and --- to disguise my lost ability to punctuate properly. If anyone asks I will say it is artistic license!

    Anyway--wanted to say I liked what you wrote--how you wrote--like the hokey pokey---you put your whole self in! LOL

    Thanks for sharing and keep on writing! Think about who you want to read it (I have carefully edited or avoided posts about my mother--who is not yet reading but who has recently enquired....) so make sure you can still be you---or you will end up with two blogs--your real one and one you write for someone else!

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  2. Hi, Brigid! Looking forward to visiting your blog later on today. I like the last paragraph of your comment. Certainly something for me to remember.

    Thanks for reading and for commenting! :)

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