Monday, September 30, 2013

God isn't a Sneak

If you tell everyone your wish then it won't come true.

We've all heard someone say that at a birthday party after the candles have been blown out. And, while I don't really believe such nonsense as wishes and jinxing your wish by revealing it...I kind of sort of do. When I have a dream or a goal or a hope I hesitate to tell anyone, because deep down I wonder if my wish will fizzle and die like the candle atop a cake.

I wrote about it here:

"Part of me is afraid to tell anyone my dream because it will jinx it. But, I don't really believe that (I'm not super stitious but I am a little stitious.--Name that show!!!) and I don't think that God is tricky like that. Whether or not I share my extravagant dream has nothing to do with whether it will come true."

But, in that same post I did talk about some of my hopes and aspirations as a writer. I dreamed and wished and imagined:

"But, until then, I wish that I could give something that I have written to one of my beloved writers. I wish I could give it to Kate Conner or Glennon Melton or Heather Kopp. I wish that they could read it and give some insight: Encouragement, criticism.....anything. I just want to know if I have any potential and any shot at this dream coming true. I need a boost of confidence. I want someone that's been where I am now to tell me how to write from the heart and be brave. "

I had forgotten that I actually published this post, but stumbled again on it the other day. I wrote it two months ago, and today I want to tell you that God isn't a sneak. Opening up and talking about you desires will not automatically kill your dreams. God delights in you (and me). He loves you (and me). My future is already decided and has always been decided and sharing my dream isn't going to change what God has already ordained. God used this post to prove that to me, because as you know, a month later I was published. "I just want to know if I have any potential and any shot at this dream coming true. I need a boost of confidence." Having even a short story published was a huge boost of confidence to me.

And, then a couple weeks later, would you believe it??? But, one of the very authors I listed in that post actually visited my blog (after I sent her a link to it of course) and wrote an encouraging note to me. When I saw the comment on my blog, I texted my friend something to the effect of:  "Heather freaking Kopp just commented on my blog! Fkltrrekrhwytlytgjkrgfgt!!!!!!"

This meant so much to me because I admire this woman. If you haven't heard of her then please visit her blog and read her book Sober Mercies (Isn't that just a beautiful title?)---Life changing. Hers is an amazing story of grace and God and redemption and all of that beautiful stuff that comes from the Gospel. I have had a draft for three months now that I revisit every few days trying to put what Heather's book has done or me into words. It's proven to be a hard thing to do. But, let me just share one thing that Sober Mercies has helped me overcome.
I don't hate my Dad anymore. I kind of hate admitting that I ever did hate my Dad, but there you have it. I did and for a long, long time, and I was in complete denial of it. But, while I was reading Heather's and her Dad's and her Stepdad's stories I suddenly was struck by the absence of hate in my heart....this sense of lightness. It was just gone. And, then I realized of course how real and heavy and silently it had sat and poisoned me for years. And, that made me think and ponder and wrestle and sort through a whole lot of junk. But, it was good and I'm better having read her book.
Besides admiring her for the amazing woman she is, I also hope and pray that I can write like her one day. With honesty and love and Christ-centeredness and beautiful, poetic wordiness. I am in awe of how well she takes confusing convoluted issues that totally baffle me. Things that I struggle to make sense of in my head and can't even begin to put into words and she just writes it so articulately and concisely and I say, "Yes! That! Grrrr. Why didn't I say it first?"


And that is what I wanted to share today: God is good and loves me and showed me that by making my dream come true. He cares about me. Even about the little--in the grand scheme of life--things. I just feel so very loved and noticed today.

  And, also please go visit and order her book.

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