|This is an actual photo of me when I saw how many views I had on my blog last week. Not really. Just kidding. But, when I aw this picture, I said, "There, there. It's alright. I know how you feel." and I stroked my Pinterest feed.|
Hi friends, I drove to Stuart this weekend to pick my beautiful, new laptop. While there, I ate gelato and wandered down streets and made funny jokes about shovels. You had to be there. Amanda thinks I'm funny.
So, Laptop. Perhaps that means I will be posting more.
Here is a confession: I submitted a story a month ago to Prodigal Magazine. I did not expect to hear back from them what with it being my first attempt at getting published and all. So I was shocked when I got a letter from Allison Vesterfelt saying that they would like to post my story on their website. I was shocked and cried. A lot. I am a baby and all of my emotions are expressed through tears. I didn't know how to process all of this and I discovered that I had not prepared myself to have my story out there for all to see. It's so personal and so very "mine" and I gave it away to them.
Who do they think they are publishing the story I sent to them?!? Surely they knew that I can't handle any form of attention and would most definitely have the meltdown of ALL meltdowns?!? They should have read my story and patted me on the head and said, "You are not quite ready, dear. Try again later." But, then my ego would have been sorely bruised and I would have sworn off of writing for forever.
The day after it was published, I signed into blogger and found that over 70 people had followed the link from my story on Prodigal and had visited ***cue dramatic music*** DA-DA- DAAAAA....my blog. GASP! 70 people. I do realize that 70 is not a big number and really what did I expect? I tried to get published, I got published, and then I was shocked out of my mind because people actually dared to read what I wrote! So, naturally I shut down and used my vacationing laptop as an excuse for disappearing from the blogging world.
It was all just so much to take in. Aside from the crying (which I was able to get under control by the second day) I kept most of this tempestuous hurricane of thoughts, doubts, and fears inside. I inward-spaz out frequently. But, I'm good at keeping it to myself and talking myself down and finding that calm place where I can regroup. And, so I gave myself a few weeks to recover and I think I am ready to emerge and write again....now that my prolonged silence on Linden Tree has most likely driven away what few readers I may have gained from my story.
So, there it is. I'm human and although I crave vulnerability and open honesty, still I am scared stiff. And, so sometimes when life is too much and I'm having a hard time figuring it all out I say, "That's it! Time out!" and then I do my own thing and clear my head and come back to it with a better perspective. I have a better perspective now. So, I'm showing up. Hi.
Also, this is a picture of me right now:
There are days when it's all you can muster to change into polka-dotted flannels and you favourite plaid shirt and watch episode after episode of Sherlock while blowing your nose and crocheting a scarf you will never wear because it's always so freaking hot in Florida. Today is such a day. I have punctuated my Sherlock marathon with watching youtube clips of dumb people falling down. Don't judge. I'm sick.
And, another thing. Since we are on the topic of confession I think I should admit to something terrible that I am deeply ashamed of. I swore I would never be that single girl who has a "Happily Ever After" or "Someday..." or "My Future Wedding <3" Pinterest board. I have held true to my convictions (or self-righteousness. You choose.) and do NOT post wedding dresses and cute favor ideas and mason-jar-chalkboard-paint-twinkly-light romantical pretties ever under any circumstance....except that I do. I have a private Pinterest board where I secretly and sneakily pin things that I would be too embarrassed for anyone to actually see. And, sometimes, I even pin wedding things. I'm telling you this because I need to share some very important and exciting news!
I have found my wedding dress! Wheeew! Glad I have that figured out!
Here it is. Isn't it loverly and delicate and feminine in every way? I will probably hate it by tomorrow because I am fickle when it comes to fashion. But today I love it so much that it hurts.
Alright. I think that is all for now.