Wednesday, July 10, 2013

I'm having a mini crisis

Blogging is getting harder and harder these days. It's not that I am running out of things to say....I've been writing just as much as ever. It's that what I am writing now is a lot more personal than what I am ready to share here on my blog. It's hard to decide what should be posted and what belongs safely and privately tucked away in my diary for my eyes only.
I want what I write to be encouraging. I want to tell my story, because reading people's stories has been so influential in making me "me". I want to be a part of that. I don't want to complain here. But, I don't want it to sound like I live in a deluded Utopian state of mind. How much is too much to share? Do I mention God enough? Where should my faith fit into my writing? I don't feel like I mention it enough. Should I just stick with safe topics or should I take a couple risks? I want to also write about my beliefs and what is important and precious to my heart. But, can I do that without stepping on any toes? Are my words kind enough? Is my awful grammar and punctuation really that noticeable? I love writing, but am I really any good? How can I get more readers already!? I don't want another reader---what if she doesn't like me?!? That would KILL me!
I'm writing post after post after post, but I'm having a hard time hitting the "publish" button. I want so badly to be an author someday, but nothing terrifies me more than being an author someday.
My daydreaming has always involved marriage, an old farmhouse, 8 children, homeschooling, picnics, home made bread, and a pet goat. But, my dream has grown recently: I write on my blog everyday. I am brave and post even the private, scary things because I know hiding gets you no where and even my story can make a difference. And, I have lots of readers; readers that say, "Yes! Me too!" and "Thank you!". I also have readers that say, "You're a quack!" and "Get off your high horse!". But, I've kicked shame to the curb so I just read quietly and nod my head and weigh their words. I'll take the true ones to heart and grow from them, and I'll leave the hateful ones behind me and walk away with my head held high. Because this is the future, people! And, I'm mature and ever so wise! And, then one day I open my inbox and find an email from a publisher begging me to write a book. I don't know how getting a book published actually happens, but I like to pretend it involves them begging and pleading. And, then I write the book, and publish it and another and another and another. And, then I get to go on The Ellen Show, and dance with her. I am asked to guest blog for my favorite bloggers, and I get to meet my favorite writers. It's a beautiful tale.
 Part of me is afraid to tell anyone my dream because it will jinx it. But, I don't really believe that (I'm not super stitious but I am a little stitious.--Name that show!!!) and I don't think that God is tricky like that. Whether or not I share my extravagant dream has nothing to do with whether it will come true.

But, until then, I wish that I could give something that I have written to one of my beloved writers. I wish I could give it to Kate Conner or Glennon Melton or Heather Kopp. I wish that they could read it and give some insight: Encouragement, criticism.....anything. I just want to know if I have any potential and any shot at this dream coming true. I need a boost of confidence. I want someone that's been where I am now to tell me how to write from the heart and be brave. I think really in the end, that is the essence of a good writer. All she needs is to be real and willing to let people see her as she is. I just need someone to tell me that.


  1. One of the things I have been struggling with out here in bloggerville is who am I writing for? Is it for me---to work through my own stuff--because you can spend a million hours in therapy and beg and plead for the right answer to anything and a GOOD therapist will tell you that they CAN'T tell you the answer--you have to find it within yourself and come to in on your own. So is blogging my way of having a discussion with myself? OR is blogging more about who might be reading it and what it sounds like and who will suddenly want to subscribe and such? Is there a right answer?

    When I catch myself writing things like "so then you need to think about what that means"---instead of "so I need to think about what that means"--I realize I am trying to reach out to the world and connect--and we both read Glennon and Brown will tell you as well--connecting is huge--and sharing--and truth telling. But it comes with the risk of hurt and criticism and that empty echo of "hello is anyone out there?"

    Just today I read that J.K. Rowling wrote a crime novel under another name. The book was given high praise as a "debut novel" by her fake persona. It sold 1500 copies. You would think she would be horror stricken. Clearly she was not a good writer but fluked out on the Potter series. However, she said it was nice to write and publish not being in the public eye and a target for criticism (meanwhile SOMEONE had to have leaked out it was her using this name---ummmm probably to sell a million copies and make money...)

    So while I am rambling here---it is all good. Good for you--to say your say--to be your best you---to dare greatly--tell truths--reach out --grab a hand-- and not apologize--THIS is the place to practice that all before the Ellen show (things may get rough when you are famous....)

    It is also a place to make a difference --even if it is in one person's life. Like me. I look forward to reading what you are up to. I like to know there is another woman out there who lives a zillion miles away in a sandcastle on the beach (ok I can have my own imagination too!) who is warm and breezy and loving and vulnerable and so different but yet so the same--that she reminds me we are all part of this human experience and I am never, ever alone in the world. And my own social/anxiety/crazies that settle in my head occasionally just make me part of the world that wants to make things better.

    So YEAH FOR YOU! You are brave and wonderful! Think a bit about who you write for ---because you are published every day...out here...


  2. Those are the questions I am asking myself. Who am I writing for? What is the purpose of this blog? Etc.... Up until this point, it's just been a scrapbook of my life; a sort of public diary. Do I want it to continue to be that? Questions, questions, questions...

    I love that you think of me living in a sand castle. Haha! And, I love that I started this blog and you started yours and we happened to meet through Momastery. We do live a zillion miles apart, but it all worked out and we met and now we are friends: "so different but yet so the same". It's cool. I love it. You are such a great person. Thanks for always taking the time to write here. It really is so encouraging.

  3. Here is another one with the same issues!

  4. Sorry that didn't come thru right. ---his most recent post.

  5. Wow. That was really good. Thanks for the link!