Blogging is getting harder and harder these days. It's not that I am running out of things to say....I've been writing just as much as ever. It's that what I am writing now is a lot more personal than what I am ready to share here on my blog. It's hard to decide what should be posted and what belongs safely and privately tucked away in my diary for my eyes only.
I want what I write to be encouraging. I want to tell my story, because reading people's stories has been so influential in making me "me". I want to be a part of that. I don't want to complain here. But, I don't want it to sound like I live in a deluded Utopian state of mind. How much is too much to share? Do I mention God enough? Where should my faith fit into my writing? I don't feel like I mention it enough. Should I just stick with safe topics or should I take a couple risks? I want to also write about my beliefs and what is important and precious to my heart. But, can I do that without stepping on any toes? Are my words kind enough? Is my awful grammar and punctuation really that noticeable? I love writing, but am I really any good? How can I get more readers already!? I don't want another reader---what if she doesn't like me?!? That would KILL me!
I'm writing post after post after post, but I'm having a hard time hitting the "publish" button. I want so badly to be an author someday, but nothing terrifies me more than being an author someday.
My daydreaming has always involved marriage, an old farmhouse, 8 children, homeschooling, picnics, home made bread, and a pet goat. But, my dream has grown recently: I write on my blog everyday. I am brave and post even the private, scary things because I know hiding gets you no where and even my story can make a difference. And, I have lots of readers; readers that say, "Yes! Me too!" and "Thank you!". I also have readers that say, "You're a quack!" and "Get off your high horse!". But, I've kicked shame to the curb so I just read quietly and nod my head and weigh their words. I'll take the true ones to heart and grow from them, and I'll leave the hateful ones behind me and walk away with my head held high. Because this is the future, people! And, I'm mature and ever so wise! And, then one day I open my inbox and find an email from a publisher begging me to write a book. I don't know how getting a book published actually happens, but I like to pretend it involves them begging and pleading. And, then I write the book, and publish it and another and another and another. And, then I get to go on The Ellen Show, and dance with her. I am asked to guest blog for my favorite bloggers, and I get to meet my favorite writers.
It's a beautiful tale.
Part of me is afraid to tell anyone my dream because it will jinx it. But, I don't really believe that (I'm not super stitious but I am a little stitious.--Name that show!!!) and I don't think that God is tricky like that. Whether or not I share my extravagant dream has nothing to do with whether it will come true.
But, until then, I wish that I could give something that I have written to one of my beloved writers. I wish I could give it to Kate Conner or Glennon Melton or Heather Kopp. I wish that they could read it and give some insight: Encouragement, criticism.....anything. I just want to know if I have any potential and any shot at this dream coming true. I need a boost of confidence. I want someone that's been where I am now to tell me how to write from the heart and be brave. I think really in the end, that is the essence of a good writer. All she needs is to be real and willing to let people see her as she is. I just need someone to tell me that.