............................................................................................................................................
That simple sentence threw me into a panic. When it comes to work, I always think "worst case scenario". I blow everything out of proportion because I must succeed at my job. If I don't rock it in every area then I am a failure.
Plain and simple.
A simple correction is heard as "You better be careful. You are walking on thin ice.".
And, so the request to go to my boss's office sent me to the bathroom stall in a full blown panic attack asking myself the most ridiculous and unwarranted questions.
Oh, my gosh! I'm getting fired. What am I going to do? This is so humiliating. What did I do wrong? I work so hard. How could this happen?
I watched a Ted Talk recently about body language. Apparently adjusting your posture has the ability to raise your self-confidence. I needed more confidence and so I raised my eyes and lifted my arms as she had suggested. As I cleared my mind and tried to regain control of my breathing I was struck at how oddly similar this pose of confidence is to one of humble surrender. How many times have I thrown my hands up as I have prayed, giving it all to God because I have come to the end of myself?
Outstretched and open arms are a sign of both letting go and of receiving.
Maybe our confidence is built when we raise our hands because as we do so we are simultaneously saying that we can't do it all and that we need help.
Maybe our confidence is grown because we are finally admitting to ourselves that we aren't perfect, but that we are enough.
Maybe humility and surrender go hand in hand with confidence because although we fail and falter on our own... when we give it to God and trust him, we can have full and assured confidence that he will be our strength and our refuge.
But, aren't humility and confidence at odds with one another? How does one reconcile these two things? Tim Keller's words came to mind:
"The Christian gospel is that I am so flawed that Jesus had to die for me, yet I am so loved and valued that Jesus was glad to die for me. This leads to deep humility & deep confidence at the same time."
Of course, it all must come back to the Gospel.
I am flawed...Jesus died.
I am loved...Jesus died.
It was with these comforting words and thoughts that I was able to dry my eyes and calm my breath and racing heart. I walked into her office with a confident smile knowing that even if I was terminated it would be more than fine. "Fired" doesn't equal "failure" because my identity and my confidence are not found in my job. My job is momentary in the grand scheme of eternity. Rather, my confidence is found in a Saviour who cherishes me. It's an everlasting, never failing, never gives up, always and forever love. That is something to be boldly confident in.
.............................................................................
No, I was not fired. I got a raise. Lesson number two: Get over yourself, Lyndsay.
How willing we are to see the good in others and how QUICK we are to see the worst in ourselves. I love the image you used and the insight into the double meaning of surrender and request for help. We often feel we are alone in life...no one gets us...no one can possibly understand how I feel. But we are never alone. We are connected through our humanity to people all over the world. We are connected through the energy that flows through the universe. Surrendering, asking for help---these take strength. They take courage as we unmask ourselves.
ReplyDeleteI hope you enjoy your raise! You recognize you worked hard for it. You say to yourself I am good at what I do! Thanks for sharing your story. As much as I want to say I would have done something different, I was right there with you in the bathroom stall! LOL You did a great job!