I do it a lot. I start typing away about something I am learning or struggling with and then I realize how awful a person I am and then I attempt to change the tone of the post and convince you that I'm really not all that bad, only to dig myself into a deeper writing ditch. And then I save this ridiculously long essay to drafts and promise to never post it for fear that my readers (all two of you) will hate me.
I have several just from the past two or three weeks. They are mostly about my perfectionism and inability to let things go. We all have our weird and (to others) stupid and unimportant struggles. You may read this and say to yourself, "Big deal! Get over yourself!". But, to me, it's a big deal. That is why I am forcing myself to write it all out and publish it....maybe. We'll see...
I have diagnosed myself with selective perfectionism. My perfectionism comes in the form of planning, time organization, and cooking. It is a serious issue for me. I plan my life months in advance, and don't deal well with it when plans change and I have to white out my calendar---I HATE white out! My time and life are meticulously organized. My weekends are always carefully planned to the minute. In a way, this is a good thing. I think organization and time management is important. But, last month I had a week’s worth of white outs and scribblings and reschedulings on my calendar and I started to panic. My chest tightened and I got dizzy. I also tend to over book my life. I am incapable of saying, "No". If you ask me to do something I will say, "Yes". And, then there is the cooking/baking. This is really a pride issue and where you come in and say, "Big deal! Get over yourself!". Everything I ever make must be totally and utterly homemade. I love to bake and am pretty darn good at it (See?!? Pride.). I can't buy a boxed mix and call it a day. I have to bake the cake from scratch, whisk the curd or pudding or jam fillings carefully over the stove from scratch, and all my frostings are completely homemade. I make elaborate cakes too. I admit it: I am a snob. People ask me to bake for get togethers and events fairly often. As you now know, I can't say, "No.", I always overbook, I am an arrogant-baking-wannabe-Martha Stewart. I am a perfectionist.
I love being that perfectionist. It is important to me. It's who I am. And it makes me look good: I am always on time and organized-super-woman, I am dependable and always there if you need me, and I make the best chocolate nutella cake in the universe (See?!? Pride.). I'm addicted to perfectionism. I can't stop. I must be awesome and I will freak at the thought of not being awesome but being awesome puts me on the verge of insanity. It's so stressful, and in theory I want to just not care and let it all go. I've tried it. I posted this a few days ago. I sort of attempted it for a couple days. It was my cousin's birthday and I said yes to baking the cake. I was asked to do it last minute and started the baking process after 8pm. And, then I stopped myself and took a deep breath and told my Mom that it was too much and we were going to have to bring a boxed cake mix. I made the filling from scratch (baby steps, people. It had to at least be semi-homemade). It felt awful and now I really would have rather just given in and stayed up baking that perfect cake until midnight. It was dry and tasted like chemicals and made me look bad. But, it really didn't make me look bad because I know that nobody really cares whether a cake is from a box or not. I think I am the only one who cared or even noticed. I even told everyone that it was boxed and apologized for it, which is really ridiculous and obnoxious of me since everybody there probably only ever uses boxed cake mix and I was insulting them. I tried to not be a perfectionist, but that only stressed me out more than being one.
I told you that I would sound ridiculous. I know it's really such a small and petty thing, but I don't believe that deep down. It is a huge deal to me. I am addicted to looking good and being in control. Eww. I sound so ugly. I'm not using the term lightly...I really believe that I am addicted.
So, there. I think that I needed to get this off my chest in order to be cured for the weeks of writer's block I've been suffering from. I keep trying to write and nothing was coming out except for this. It's been laying heavily on my heart. So, I guess that means I should just be honest and admit to it. Now you know. I am proud and full of myself and suck.
What is the point to this post? I don't know. I wish I was able to wrap it up by saying But, guess what?!? I prayed about it last night and ka-bam! I am healed! I no longer care! In fact, I am bringing a Stouffer's lasagna and Twinkies to my friend's house for dinner tomorrow night--because who gives a crap?! I am FREEeeeeee! That is not the case.