A good read for a monday morning.

A Prayer for You, Day

This is a prayer for today, which is to say it’s
a prayer for every day, since tomorrow can’t arrive
without becoming today and yet this day has
never existed before, which means…
I’ve been waiting for you all of my life.
May I stay here in you, day, where I belong
and not travel to tomorrow or yesterday in hopes
of changing what is already gone or hasn’t yet come
and can’t be rushed without mistakes.
I pray I won’t judge you halfway through as good
or bad or imagine that you should be other
than what you are, or decide in the afternoon
that the honeymoon is over and clearly you are
too hot or long or dull.
Today, may I welcome every moment you bring
as proof that life is right, and let me seize all your
wonders and all your ordinariness, too,
without demanding more.
Teach me to begin again and again,
like you do—your morning mercies fresh as
the heads of newborn babes who carry your scent
and make me want to start you all over again,
only more awake this time,
and more undone by you.

By Heather Kopp at heatherkopp.com

Books, etc.

I've spent the past few evenings purging my room and attic of things I no longer need. It's crazy how you can accumulate so much junk without realizing. I'm still knee deep in clothes and toys and other random things. I'm finally finishing up sorting through all of my books. I had three pile: Keep in my room, store in the attic, and donate to Goodwill. In the end I have 208 in my room, 239 in the attic, and 0 in the donation pile. Oh, well....
I have come across so many precious keepsakes and memories. I am a big-time saver of anything with sentimental value. Once my room and the attic are completely organized, I am going to compile all of the doodads I have saved over the years into a book. Should be fun!

Pinterest Friday!!!

You know how bloggers sometimes have themed posts? Like every Monday they post an inspirational quote? Or they have "Wordless Wednesdays" with photos only? I'm going to try that. Readers! (All two of you)I proudly present "Pinterest Friday". This is my attempt at redeeming the many hours wasted on that addicting site. Every Friday (or maybe not. Maybe I'll give up after a week or two. No promises.) I will post something I pinned on Pinterest that week with my commentary. It's sounds boring, I know. But, I'm going to give it a go anyways.

And for our first installment, I give you wise words on a blindingly yellow background. Don't look too long or your eyes might bleed.

I saw this and thought immediately of a post by one of my favorite bloggers, Kate Conner. Please read it.

Infuse the ordinary things in life with beauty. Make them your "sacred ritual" and watch them as the blossom into something extraordinary. It's funny how using pitcher full of sudsy water to clean your counters instead of a bottle of bleach, using cloth napkins instead of using a roll of paper towel as you center piece, or straightening the living room before you sip you first cup of coffee in the morning can bring peace and calm into your life.

Ain't it the truth?

I'm having a mini crisis

Blogging is getting harder and harder these days. It's not that I am running out of things to say....I've been writing just as much as ever. It's that what I am writing now is a lot more personal than what I am ready to share here on my blog. It's hard to decide what should be posted and what belongs safely and privately tucked away in my diary for my eyes only.
I want what I write to be encouraging. I want to tell my story, because reading people's stories has been so influential in making me "me". I want to be a part of that. I don't want to complain here. But, I don't want it to sound like I live in a deluded Utopian state of mind. How much is too much to share? Do I mention God enough? Where should my faith fit into my writing? I don't feel like I mention it enough. Should I just stick with safe topics or should I take a couple risks? I want to also write about my beliefs and what is important and precious to my heart. But, can I do that without stepping on any toes? Are my words kind enough? Is my awful grammar and punctuation really that noticeable? I love writing, but am I really any good? How can I get more readers already!? I don't want another reader---what if she doesn't like me?!? That would KILL me!
I'm writing post after post after post, but I'm having a hard time hitting the "publish" button. I want so badly to be an author someday, but nothing terrifies me more than being an author someday.
My daydreaming has always involved marriage, an old farmhouse, 8 children, homeschooling, picnics, home made bread, and a pet goat. But, my dream has grown recently: I write on my blog everyday. I am brave and post even the private, scary things because I know hiding gets you no where and even my story can make a difference. And, I have lots of readers; readers that say, "Yes! Me too!" and "Thank you!". I also have readers that say, "You're a quack!" and "Get off your high horse!". But, I've kicked shame to the curb so I just read quietly and nod my head and weigh their words. I'll take the true ones to heart and grow from them, and I'll leave the hateful ones behind me and walk away with my head held high. Because this is the future, people! And, I'm mature and ever so wise! And, then one day I open my inbox and find an email from a publisher begging me to write a book. I don't know how getting a book published actually happens, but I like to pretend it involves them begging and pleading. And, then I write the book, and publish it and another and another and another. And, then I get to go on The Ellen Show, and dance with her. I am asked to guest blog for my favorite bloggers, and I get to meet my favorite writers. It's a beautiful tale.
 Part of me is afraid to tell anyone my dream because it will jinx it. But, I don't really believe that (I'm not super stitious but I am a little stitious.--Name that show!!!) and I don't think that God is tricky like that. Whether or not I share my extravagant dream has nothing to do with whether it will come true.

But, until then, I wish that I could give something that I have written to one of my beloved writers. I wish I could give it to Kate Conner or Glennon Melton or Heather Kopp. I wish that they could read it and give some insight: Encouragement, criticism.....anything. I just want to know if I have any potential and any shot at this dream coming true. I need a boost of confidence. I want someone that's been where I am now to tell me how to write from the heart and be brave. I think really in the end, that is the essence of a good writer. All she needs is to be real and willing to let people see her as she is. I just need someone to tell me that.

Keep on keeping on.

I began writing a post on Wednesday referencing this blog entry I wrote months back. I had woken up one morning recently and realized that I had been happy for a long time. It was a good feeling. I’ve lived much of my life struggling with feeling melancholy, negative, and discontent. As I writing about this realization I started feeling uneasy. I’ve been genuinely happy for months now. I have been learning and growing as a person, and as a Christian….but, I can’t forever be on this high—right? Eventually, I will plateau, and then what? What happens when the love and fervent desire to grow in my understanding of Christ begins to wane? What happens when the happy settles into just trudging along through life? I’m afraid that anything less than the joy I’m feeling today will throw me into a state of panic. I don’t want to be sad. I don’t want to feel purposeless. I need this excitement that drives me to be better. The impending doom of losing my fight interestingly enough made me lose my fight for a day or two. I came home from work on Wednesday in a less than cheery mood. I wasn’t the nicest person. I wasn’t mean either. I just wasn’t much of anything really. So, I went out to have some time to myself. I talked myself through it and I prayed myself through it. I was a little better for the rest of the night and the next day. But, Friday came and I felt heavy. It was rainy and gloomy. I love rain usually but this was a relentless rain that seemed to drain the world of all color. I was in an official funk. I was so “down” and anxious all day. I went to church that evening. The lesson helped, but the mingling and chit-chatting before and after it made me want to curl up inside myself, never to emerge into this harsh world again. People were nice; I was just not in the mood and hated myself for it. Then Saturday came. The sun shone, and I felt better. Not great, but better. I didn’t do a thing except for play card games and board games all day with my sisters. I fell asleep thinking about the past few days. I was so scared of the “what if’s” that I brought them to life. I was scared of depression, and so I became a regular Eyore. I was scared of anxiety, and so my heart raced and my jaw clenched. I was scared that I would forget that people are beautiful and connection is essential, and so I became terrified and reclusive. It was dumb really, but I learned something through it. If you are armed with enough truth and faith and love and all that good stuff…you can do hard things. I think that my three days of “funk” were brought on by myself which was a mistake, but I dealt with them as best I could. I woke up with the sun instead of pulling the covers over my head, because I knew that would just pull me deeper. I took sisters out for a morning of fun because there is no use in making everyone as miserable as myself. I went to church even though the thought terrified me. I showed up, and maybe screwed up a little. But, at least I showed up. My mind and heart were flooded with second guessings and criticism of self and doubts, but I took those thoughts captive and talked myself through them. Sometimes you can’t help it if you wake up on the wrong side of the bed. Some days are rainy, colorless days. You can’t help that your hormones whack out from time to time. My mom has told me many times that you do the right thing even when you don’t feel like it. Your perseverance will be honored. Right actions will be followed with the right emotions. I made it through the past few days and believed that I could do hard things. I believed that the rain would eventually stop and the sun would break through the clouds casting light and color on everything once more. And it did disappoint. God did not disappoint. I did the right thing (mostly) armed with His truth, and the right emotions eventually followed. And, now the thought of falling back into my dreary old ways doesn’t frighten me so much. Happy is worth fighting for. And, I know that I am armed with the right things. Lamentaions 3:22-23 The steadfast love of the Lord never ceases; his mercies never come to an end; they are new every morning; great is your faithfulness.

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I realize of course that their are varying levels of depression. Sometimes talking and praying yourself through it isn't enough. Sometimes doing the right thing doesn't produce the right emotions. Your brain may be incapable of producing a certain chemical or maybe it produces way too much of another chemical. I don't want to make light of what can be a serious and dibilitating struggle for some. I don't want anyone to think that I am saying that if you had enough faith, will, and prayed enough than you would get better. It's far more complicated than that. But, for me and for now, this is my story. This is how I am learning to cope with my own personal brand of emotions.

Sweet Thing

 

Our sweet little Magatha was beside herself when her caterpillar emerged from it's cocoon this morning. It chilled out on  her finger for several minutes before it flew away with it's fellow butterfly friends.

Grabbing some good moments.

I took Monday and Tuesday off from work since we had my best friend and her siblings staying with us. I drove the siblings home (they live two hours away) on Tuesday and prayed through clenched teeth nearly the whole way there and back again. This has been a rainy summer, and it was pouring so hard that I couldn't even see well enough to pull over. As I was waiting at the light to the entrance of the highway I took a big gulp of soda. The light turned green mid-gulp and I panicked since merging into chaotic South Florida traffic makes me spaz and so without thinking I spat my mouthful of diet coke onto poor Jenny. She stared in disbelief and yelled, "What the heck?" to which I responded, "The light turned green! I didn't have time to swallow!" It was no use trying to explain that one away. I was pretty brutally made fun of the whole drive.

I worked Wednesday, and then got Thursday and Friday off. The Fourth of July was Thursday. I can't remember how she phrases it exactly, but Glennon at Momastery often says something like, "Don't worry about having the perfect day, just make sure to grab a few good moments." And, that's what I tried to do. The day didn't really go as planned and was pretty full of disappointment, but there were some special moments in there.

The Rosenthals swung by and we played party games.

Natalie and I ran out to grab soda (it's summer, and I am obsessed and addicted to diet coke.) where we discussed women's rights on the drive. I tried to explain my position, "I wouldn't really call myself a 'feminist', I would really just say that I'm 'right'." Yes, I am really that arrogant.

Natalie tried to pray before our meal, and we all got the giggles. I can't remember what was said, but it made it incredibly difficult to remain straight-faced.

And, then Natalie read us the Declaration of Independence while we ate. She like to do solemn, inspirational, traditional things like this. I stared at her awkwardly while she read all misty eyed and shaky voiced.

Maggie rescued a butterfly from a spiders web.

We spent the morning soaking up some rays at the beach.

We met up with the Rosenthals to watch fireworks later that night. We had fun, took lots of pictures, and I learned that I am not al that photogenic.

 Apparently, my left eye is much smaller than my right, and apparently it gets even smaller when I laugh.

Apparently I laugh like a jolly, one eyed cartoon character.

 Apparently I didn't look as cool as I felt when I pretended to summon my magical powers to throw a spectacular firework display. But, in all fairness they don't look all that hot either.

 Ehhh.....At least I didn't do this.

 :) I like this one.

I'm wind blown, crazy-eyed, but incredibly happy.

Speaking of crazy eyed. What the heck? I look deranged, ready to snap. Maybe that's because I was. This was at least our 59th attempt at a decent family snapshot. 

 At least both of my eyes are opened here.

Yay! We got a good one!

I went to bed last night writing this post in my head. I was planning on complaining. Yesterday was rainy. I didn't get anything accomplished even though I ran around like a crazy lady all day. I went to church all frazzled, uncaffeinated, and unprepared mentally. I stressed because it was a bunch of people and I was so not in the mood to see people. I felt awkward and second-guessed everything I did and everything I said. I came home feeling discouraged and swore off of human interaction forever. But, then I woke up and the sun is shining and there's no rain on the forecast. I feel better. So, I'll focus on the good moments and forgive and forget the awkward ones.