Guess who has two thumbs and is blogging again!! This girl!!

I woke up the other day and knew that it was time to begin writing again.

I took this hiatus from blogging, and that somehow turned into a hiatus from writing. Period.
I thought that I would spend time writing just for myself and at my own pace, but that didn't end up happening. I've jotted and scribbled a bit here and there, but not much.

I just didn't want to write. But, the other day I wanted it again. So that is good.

The only problem is that I don't seem to remember how to create a coherent string of sentences anymore. Yesterday I was frustrated over something. Frustration is oftentimes the birthplace of an essay or blog post for me...maybe that's not a good thing? As I was saying, I was frustrated and so I sat down to write it out. Instead of the words flowing from me as they used to do, I wrote something sort of like this:

"People need to keep their pie holes shut. Like: Think before you talk! You are basically dissing my deepest and most forever desire. You don't know my life! And, for the record, kids don't have to be pains in the butt. You do you. I'll do me. I can live without all the bells and whistle. I want to live simply. It's all about having the right perspective. Just love. Why not LOVE? Right? Why does everyone feel like they need to give their opinion on EVERYTHING?? If you want to be a trapeze artist or move to Timbuktu then be my guest. Everyone has a calling. Who says yours is a higher one than mine? Because I just feel. So much. This is what I want. And it is good and worthy and important. Respect that. Grace, people. Give me grace. I'll give you grace. Lyndsay out!"

Oh, so poetic. I'm a bit rusty--no?? I'll keep writing and hope that I come up with something a little better than this disastrous rant.

I'll be back soon and with a more interesting and understandable post (hopefully).

In 48 minutes I am heading to Orlando to spend the weekend at Disney. Oh yeah!

Lyndsay Out!

Hiatus

Hello,

My last post was a recommitment to blogging more faithfully. It is almost two week later and I have yet to post again. I promise you that I am much more dependable in most other aspects of my life.

The day after I wrote here I received that sad news that my Grandma had passed away suddenly. It's been a rough week. But, what a comfort and peace it brings to know that she is with her Savior and with the love of her life, Lenny again. Her memorial service was this past Saturday and it was so good to spend a day celebrating her life. So many people spoke and shared how she had impacted their lives. She loved so deeply and made everyone she met feel precious and cherished. Her mission in life was to share the story of Hope and Salvation through Christ to as many people as she could, and she did just that. In fact, she led her nurse to the Lord less than twenty-four hours before she passed away. I am so blessed to have had her in my life. But, I am going to miss her so very much. My heart is really hurting.

I've done a lot of thinking this past week. I've looked at life and I've decided that I need to take a break. I have written 114 blog entries this year. That is a lot. Blogging has been a healing and learning experience for me. I've done things and overcome things that I never thought were possible. And, I'm so grateful for it all. But, there are other things I feel like I need to focus on. The holidays are approaching, I am growing deeper in friendships, My sisters and I have been training to run a 5K, and I miss reading. I'll still be writing of course, but just not here. I'm reading Anne Lamott's "Bird by Bird" right now and it is inspiring me to try my hand at writing fiction. I don't know. We'll see. Blogging has been good. I proved to myself that I can stick with something and that I can and need to write. But, I think that I need to lean in and focus on some other areas in my life right now. I'm sure that I will be back here eventually. Today though I am signing out and I'm not sure for how long. At least until the beginning of the year I think.

I'm sad, but I think that this is the right thing to do. I have been feeling much guilt over not writing here as often as I should, and I never want my writing to be fueled by guilt. I'm looking forward to coming back. I am sure that I am going to miss it here.

Is this the 4th or 5th time that I have recommitted to writing? Oh, bother....

Writing keeps getting put on the back burner and I don't like it. I used to wake up before 6 every morning and spend over an hour reading, writing, and praying. It was such a peaceful and solid way to begin each day. Still life keeps getting fuller and fuller and I need that extra sleep. But, I'm going to try to set my alarm a little earlier for tomorrow and see if I can't try again. Because I miss it. I miss sharing and thinking. My head is ever in a tizzy lately because the thousands of thoughts buzzing about my mind have been left there to buzz and swarm and make less and less sense. When what they need is to be released and set firmly on paper...or computer.

I was running the other night by myself. The air was almost crisp, and I actually saw stars twinkling in the heavens above, and then I realized that I was praying. And, that made me happy because I love when my soul reaches out beyond it's human cage and communes with it's Creator. I try to remember to pray but it so often feels forced and quoted, but sometimes it spills out of me from my gut like second nature. It's my heart groaning for a closeness with it's King or it's a tenderness granted by the Holy Spirit for a particular person or issue. I found myself praying for a sweet friend of mine, Marie. I love her. Everyone needs a Marie in their life. And, I hope that God answered my prayer and met her that night. I hope that she felt especially loved and cherished by a God who delights in her and all of his creation.

Oh! I have an exciting post coming soon. I am going to share my list of favorite children's books. Maybe that's not exciting for you, but I'm looking forward to it. Children's stories are my favorite and I am not embarrassed to admit it. Hopefully I will finish that post up in the next few days.

It is late now, and I should go to bed if I am to get up and right early in the morning. Sleep tight.

"Fort Knox" or "I Fake Laugh So Often at Your Lame Jokes That I Have Forgotten What My Real Laugh Sounds Like."

We keep our front door locked at my office. I have to speak to any guests over the intercom before I buzz them in. As a certain gentleman came through the doors this afternoon, he exclaimed, "Man! It's like Fort Knox in here!" and then he looked at me with anticipation, waiting for me to clutch my stomach and guffaw at his hilarious joke. I obliged and threw my head back and with joy and amusement at our comedic guest. But, inside I raged with frusteration and anger because: That joke is not funny. It is in fact, quite lame. Perhaps it made me smirk the first, second, and third time I heard it. But, I have been with this company for over two years now and I hear that joke by at 80%of those who enter. Of course, these people are unaware of that, and I am sure that they are just trying to brighten the lonely receptionist's day with an original "ha-ha!". But people! Not to sound dramatic, but I would rather be stabbed in the eye with a fork than hear your stupid joke. But, I could never respond thusly for it would be quite impolite. These people do not know that they are repeating the same sentence of thousands before them. I want to scream everytime I hear it, but I can't because I am not angry at them in particular. I am angry at the accumulation of well-meaning, unfunny people's lame sense of humor. And, what can I do with that frustration except to suck it up and laugh until my sides hurt for their sake. But, know that it pains me to do so.

God isn't a Sneak

If you tell everyone your wish then it won't come true.

We've all heard someone say that at a birthday party after the candles have been blown out. And, while I don't really believe such nonsense as wishes and jinxing your wish by revealing it...I kind of sort of do. When I have a dream or a goal or a hope I hesitate to tell anyone, because deep down I wonder if my wish will fizzle and die like the candle atop a cake.

I wrote about it here:

"Part of me is afraid to tell anyone my dream because it will jinx it. But, I don't really believe that (I'm not super stitious but I am a little stitious.--Name that show!!!) and I don't think that God is tricky like that. Whether or not I share my extravagant dream has nothing to do with whether it will come true."

But, in that same post I did talk about some of my hopes and aspirations as a writer. I dreamed and wished and imagined:

"But, until then, I wish that I could give something that I have written to one of my beloved writers. I wish I could give it to Kate Conner or Glennon Melton or Heather Kopp. I wish that they could read it and give some insight: Encouragement, criticism.....anything. I just want to know if I have any potential and any shot at this dream coming true. I need a boost of confidence. I want someone that's been where I am now to tell me how to write from the heart and be brave. "

I had forgotten that I actually published this post, but stumbled again on it the other day. I wrote it two months ago, and today I want to tell you that God isn't a sneak. Opening up and talking about you desires will not automatically kill your dreams. God delights in you (and me). He loves you (and me). My future is already decided and has always been decided and sharing my dream isn't going to change what God has already ordained. God used this post to prove that to me, because as you know, a month later I was published. "I just want to know if I have any potential and any shot at this dream coming true. I need a boost of confidence." Having even a short story published was a huge boost of confidence to me.

And, then a couple weeks later, would you believe it??? But, one of the very authors I listed in that post actually visited my blog (after I sent her a link to it of course) and wrote an encouraging note to me. When I saw the comment on my blog, I texted my friend something to the effect of:  "Heather freaking Kopp just commented on my blog! Fkltrrekrhwytlytgjkrgfgt!!!!!!"

This meant so much to me because I admire this woman. If you haven't heard of her then please visit her blog and read her book Sober Mercies (Isn't that just a beautiful title?)---Life changing. Hers is an amazing story of grace and God and redemption and all of that beautiful stuff that comes from the Gospel. I have had a draft for three months now that I revisit every few days trying to put what Heather's book has done or me into words. It's proven to be a hard thing to do. But, let me just share one thing that Sober Mercies has helped me overcome.
I don't hate my Dad anymore. I kind of hate admitting that I ever did hate my Dad, but there you have it. I did and for a long, long time, and I was in complete denial of it. But, while I was reading Heather's and her Dad's and her Stepdad's stories I suddenly was struck by the absence of hate in my heart....this sense of lightness. It was just gone. And, then I realized of course how real and heavy and silently it had sat and poisoned me for years. And, that made me think and ponder and wrestle and sort through a whole lot of junk. But, it was good and I'm better having read her book.
Besides admiring her for the amazing woman she is, I also hope and pray that I can write like her one day. With honesty and love and Christ-centeredness and beautiful, poetic wordiness. I am in awe of how well she takes confusing convoluted issues that totally baffle me. Things that I struggle to make sense of in my head and can't even begin to put into words and she just writes it so articulately and concisely and I say, "Yes! That! Grrrr. Why didn't I say it first?"

----------------------------------------------------

And that is what I wanted to share today: God is good and loves me and showed me that by making my dream come true. He cares about me. Even about the little--in the grand scheme of life--things. I just feel so very loved and noticed today.

  And, also please go visit heatherkopp.com and order her book.

The $600 I don't miss.

"Where your treasure is, there your heart will be also."

I'm sure I have heard this portion of scripture a hundred times before, but I read it in an all together new way about two months ago. It has been on my mind these past weeks and little did I know that God brought me to this passage for purpose.

A few weeks back I left my laptop on a plane. This did not occur to me until I was 2 hours away from the airport and the plane was already on it's way to Honolulu. It was a sudden and gut wrenching realization. I had stupidly left my practically new, $400 laptop underneath my seat for goodness sake! I gasped and exclaimed what I had done to everyone in the car, and began to bemoan my plight and my idiocy. But, then I stopped short and realized that I was only acting  upset because I expected myself to feel upset. But, really, I was okay. I was more than okay. I was completely at peace. My first thought was how thankful I was to have Matthew 6:21 committed to memory. And, how thankful I was that in God's faithfulness my treasure and my heart were not bound up in something so momentary as a laptop. And, my second thought was that it really is just that....momentary, fleeting, not lasting.

If my heart is placed in a treasure with an expiration date then what will become of my heart?

I remember my old pastor's wife saying, "It's all gonna burn" quite often. It is all gonna burn eventually, or rather, it's gonna burn or get spilled on or get dropped or go on a vacation to Hawaii without you.

I've never wanted for anything, but for some reason I am a worrier. I worry about money, about job security, about my family being provided for. I check my bank account and credit card balance constantly and my desk at work is littered with post it notes of budgets and figures and trying to make my money stretch. God has always, always, always provided, yet I am still fearful. This doesn't sit well with me. This is why the verse at the top of this post has burned in my spirit for many weeks now. I want my treasure to be in something lasting, I want my heart to be found in something forever.

And, of course, this is the same chapter that has those beautiful verses on worry. He tells me not to be fearful of what tomorrow brings. He tells me to look at how he cares for the birds and the flowers...."Are you not much more valuable than they?"

It's taken years for these truths to sink in and take root in my soul. But, as I drove through Minnesota prairie I realized with overflowing joy that maybe I finally get it. And, so I was glad that I had left my laptop underneath 31C. I was glad and thankful that I had proof that my treasure lay in something deeper than an electronic gadget.

There were a couple moments throughout the following week where I did begin to feel stress and anxiety over how I was supposed to pay for a new laptop. But, it was fleeting and peace ultimately won.

I suppose I should mention that I did at one point throw my phone across the room after spending an hour being transferred to India and hung up on and put on hold multiple times to ultimately an obnoxious woman who told me off and made me half-cry. But, that wasn't because of my laptop. It was because I can't handle when people are rude to me. I will not have it!

And, then I came home a week later and found a ticket for $158 sitting on my table. I had run a red light. Do the math. That's a lot of money to lose in under ten days. And, I almost lost my peace. I began to worry again. I scribbled dollar amounts and figures on my notepad at work. I checked my credit card account multiple times in one day.

But, then my flighty and worrisome heart found it's footing again in those simple words.

"Where your treasure is, there your heart will be also."

 I mustn't forget these words. I must keep them close and remember them always.

God is good and I sent the check in for $158 and I drove to Stuart and bought a laptop for an amazing price. And, I told people the story and laughed about it. So, really, I don't miss the $600 I lost. What I learned from this experience is worth far more than that.

 “Do not store up for yourselves treasures on earth, where moths and vermin destroy, and where thieves break in and steal. But store up for yourselves treasures in heaven, where moths and vermin DO NOT destroy, and where thieves DO NOT break in and steal."

A Long Expected Party

Welcome, Autumn! Today is also Bilbo & Frodo Baggins birthday. In case you hadn't caught on yet, my family is bookish and nerdy therefore we celebrate fictional characters birthdays. We spent this afternoon preparing a most delicious hobbit & autumnal feast and will finish our day with tea and scones while watching the movie "The Hobbit". Hope you are having a splendid weekend as well!

 

“If more of us valued food and cheer and song above hoarded gold, it would be a merrier world.”

--Tolkien