Pinterest Friday (Balance)

Before getting a job I would fill my days with quiet reading, puttering about the house cleaning, spending hours on a single drawing, and I slept an awful lot as well. It was good; perhaps a little too relaxed, but mostly it was good. Somewhere along the way my laid back approach to life slowly became cluttered. Eventually I found myself feeling overwhelmed and exhausted all the time with a hundred things on my to-do list. I hate it, but at the same time I'm having a hard time giving it up. I feel purposeful and accomplished with an overflowing schedule. But, I miss the old me. The one that was still organized and liked her lists and spreadsheets and always arrived five minutes early, but also took deep breaths and would spend some mornings just sitting and listening to music because in that moment the music was all that mattered. Keeping busy has in many ways been a good thing. I live with intention and it certainly keeps me more positive. What I need is to find balance. Which is easier said than done. I've posted about this before. In recent reflection I have come to realize something about myself. I want to see my flaws and then be awesome overnight. I don't want the journey or the process. I just want to get it done and overwith already! I'm sure that a lot of that is ego. I notice an area that needs work, and I want to patch it up before anyone else notices. The idea of a long process of change is not appealing. And, so I try to fix it quietly and quickly and when that fails I throw in the towel. My most recent post on this subject was me throwing in the towel. I had given up for a while on trying to live a quieter, clutter-free, stress-free life. It's a funny thing, and I guess it just shows how God is faithful even when we are faithless, but in recent weeks my need to do everything has lessened. I've slept in a little here and there. I've set up a desk in my room where I can sit and create and breathe and watch the rain fall. I've curled up on the couch and read a book even when there were things unchecked on my list. It started happening when I gave up trying. My life sort of naturally became calm and balanced (Not totally, but it’s a start). The constant anxiety that I feel boiling in my heart had dissipated. It sort of reminded me of the conversation Heather Kopp had with  her husband Dave, “Even in the dark.” Even when I stopped trying, even when I was faithless, even in the dark God remained faithful and continued to work in my heart.
“Finding balance” is such an abstract, nebulous goal really. It’s not like there is a clear cut answer anywhere which is why it’s so difficult to attain, and very easy to lose as well. And, it varies for every individual too. I think that it's sort of like happiness. It's not really an end goal, but a way of life.  And I think that is what makes it so important. It's something you carry with you through out life and something you can easily misplace and forget. And, so you need to fight for it and work for it and hold tight to it. It's the constant, everyday choices that I think are the most important things in life. Having to work for something daily is proof that it is worth fighting for.

If I could sum up living with "balance" or better yet "harmony" as best as I can, I think I would say that it is to live and love and serve as best as you can and with the joy in heart. As soon as you start feeling the joy being crowded out by stress or anxiety or the need to be noticed it's time to stop and re-evaluate things.

This is a rambling sort of post. I suppose what I'm trying to say is this: God doesn't give up on you even when you give up on yourself and that "balance" isn't something to get and then check off your list. It's a daily choice to put aside ego and choose peace.

I'm learning that perfection is something I need to worry less about. I am so caught up in the end results that I forget to notice the process. God is working in me now. Everyday he is making me more like him. And sometimes I'll fall and forget and screw up, but he is faithful and maybe the falling and forgetting and screwing up is just Him reminding me that things go so much better when I depend on him.

And, here is the part where I try to tie this all in with a Pinterest pin to justify my addiction.:

But, really! This post totally sprung from these two pins.

Hope you all have a fantastic weekend!