A million thoughts ran through my head as I fell asleep last night.
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I watched a movie a few nights ago. It was rated R. There was one particular character who gave it the R rating. My initial reaction to him was to reach over to the remote and skip through his scenes, but then my hand stopped and I listened. I listened in horror as it dawned on my that this is how some people really act, and more disturbingly, this is considered "humor". His behavior is mainstream comedy now. When did this become okay? I won't repeat anything he said because it was just that disgusting, but I was so offended as a woman that anyone would dare talk about us like that. And that people would watch this movie and laugh? His character's purpose was for comedic relief. Where is the comedy in using women for the bodies and nothing more? Where is the humor in objectifying women and seeing them only for your one selfish purpose? How is it okay to say that sex is the woman's job and she won't like it but who cares?! Apparently I live in a very sheltered world, and this movie totally floored and scared me. It made me wonder if, as I am walking through the store, I am oblivious to men talking about me this way. I felt completely violated. This behavior is accepted now and I will be the object, the body, the dehumanized piece of meat that men will ogle and verbally rape because society says it's funny and that men will be men and there is nothing I can do. I am in shock, disbelief, and horror that this is allowed. Are women okay with this? Does anger or even a twinge or cry of "this isn't right" rise up in them as they watch these movies and hear men talk about them like this? Do they believe it? Do they believe that they are good for only one thing? I'm so livid. So angry right now.
I am most likely coming in a bit late in realizing all of this. Society has been pervy for a while I am sure, but maybe I just hadn't realized the extent of it. And, the Christian feminist inside me that believes that women are strong and brave and deep and capable and brilliant and worthy is screaming out and saying, "Nooooooooo!!!!!! This. Is. Not. Right!"
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I'm wrestling with something and asking the question, "God, why did you make me care so deeply when I can do so little about it?"
He put a tenderness in my heart when I was eight. I cared for these people and loved them and didn't know why I felt this need to be there so badly. And, until now I have done what I could for them. I write, I call, I open my home, I listen, I show up. But, that's not good enough for me now. I want to do more, but I don't know how. And I'm confused. If God put it on my heart at eight and didn't take away the desire and the knowing for these thirteen years then why can't I do more? I feel like my hands are tied.
This is vague I am aware. That was on purpose.
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This verse.
"Those who look to him are radiant, and their faces shall never be ashamed."--Psalm 34:5
Read it allowed. Think about each word. Whisper it to yourself as you fall asleep. Write it on a post it note and stick it on your fridge and your bathroom mirror and over you washing machine.
Unashamed. Wow.
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Sometimes I want to take people by the shoulders and shake them and yell in their face, "You are fearfully and wonderfully made by an amazing creator. You are intelligent and beautiful and unique and capable of shaking this world, but instead you are wasting this one wild and precious life given to you!!!!! Expect more from yourself! Don't give in to what society says is acceptable. Don't settle. You are better than that!"
Don't worry. I don't say that. Maybe it's true, but it may not be the best way to say it. Talking and teaching is good. But, when someone isn't receptive, maybe the best thing you can do is be the things you want them to be. Use your intelligence. Believe you are beautiful for the right reasons. Be strong & unique. And don't waste a second of your life. And hopefully they will notice.
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Tattoos. I never wanted to get a tattoo for the sake of getting a tattoo. But, I had a couple thoughts last night, and I'm toying with the idea.
One is, "be brave". That is my mantra of late. And, I want it to always be my mantra, so why not permanently write it on my wrist as a forever reminder?
The other is an orchid on my foot. Orchids mean a lot to me. Orchids changed my life. I'll write more about that later.
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So those thoughts amongst many other things were rolling through my mind as I stared at my ceiling last night. This morning I have had a cup of coffee, a cup of tea, and a diet coke to keep me going. Solving the world's problems comes before sleep.
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