ReMoved

Reblog

Here is a a post from few months ago. I read it again this morning and thought I would repost it.

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"Lyndz, when you get back from break please come see me in my office."

That simple sentence threw me into a panic. When it comes to work, I always think "worst case scenario". I blow everything out of proportion because I must succeed at my job. If I don't rock it in every area then I am a failure.
Plain and simple.
A simple correction is heard as "You better be careful. You are walking on thin ice.".
And, so the request to go to my boss's office sent me to the bathroom stall in a full blown panic attack asking myself the most ridiculous and unwarranted questions.

Oh, my gosh! I'm getting fired. What am I going to do? This is so humiliating. What did I do wrong? I work so hard. How could this happen?

 I watched a Ted Talk recently about body language. Apparently adjusting your posture has the ability to raise your self-confidence. I needed more confidence and so I raised my eyes and lifted my arms as she had suggested. As I cleared my mind and tried to regain control of my breathing I was struck at how oddly similar this pose of confidence is to one of humble surrender. How many times have I thrown my hands up as I have prayed, giving it all to God because I have come to the end of myself?

Outstretched and open arms are a sign of both letting go and of receiving.

 Maybe our confidence is built when we raise our hands because as we do so we are simultaneously saying that we can't do it all and that we need help.

Maybe our confidence is grown because we are finally admitting to ourselves that we aren't perfect, but that we are enough.

Maybe humility and surrender go hand in hand with confidence because although we fail and falter on our own... when we give it to God and trust him, we can have full and assured confidence that he will be our strength and our refuge.

But, aren't humility and confidence at odds with one another? How does one reconcile these two things? Tim Keller's words came to mind:

"The Christian gospel is that I am so flawed that Jesus had to die for me, yet I am so loved and valued that Jesus was glad to die for me. This leads to deep humility & deep confidence at the same time."

Of course, it all must come back to the Gospel.

I am flawed...Jesus died.
I am loved...Jesus died.

It was with these comforting words and thoughts that I was able to dry my eyes and calm my breath and racing heart. I walked into her office with a confident smile knowing that even if I was terminated it would be more than fine. "Fired" doesn't equal "failure" because my identity and my confidence are not found in my job. My job is momentary in the grand scheme of eternity. Rather, my confidence is found in a Saviour who cherishes me. It's an everlasting, never failing, never gives up, always and forever love. That is something to be boldly confident in.

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No, I was not fired. I got a raise. Lesson number two: Get over yourself, Lyndsay.

Resolved

I'm not one to make New Years Resolutions. I don't like to set goals for myself unless I feel ready to complete them. If I'm not in the mood and I lack the motivation then I'd rather just avoid inevitable failure and skip making the resolution to begin with.

This year though I felt ready to make a few changes. My list was short and sweet, but achievable I think.

1. Read more books. Specifically more fiction. Lately I have stuck entirely to memoirs and biographies. I need to venture into the world of fiction and fantasy again.

2. Re-read old favorites. As Lewis said, "I can't imagine a man really enjoying a book and reading it only once."

3. Travel to four states. I am ready to give into my wanderlust.

4. Try something new every chance that I get even if it scares me.

So, let's talk about reading. I've always been an avid reader. I recently found a list of books read in my Junior year. There were 62 book on that list. I always carried a book with me. Sometimes I would stay up until 2am reading page after page of a book on my bathroom floor. Oftentimes I would stay in bed all weekend because I COULD NOT BEAR putting the book down. Obviously I couldn't maintain this reading addiction once I got a full time job and graduated. But I still read a respectable 15-20 books per year.

But, then 2013 happened. I read a total of four books last year. 

1. Carry On, Warrior

2. Sober Mercies

3. Bird by Bird

4. Girl Interrupted.

All good books. But, four?? Really?? So sad. Also, notice that these are all memoirs and autobiographies. What happened to fiction and fantasy and the classics??

So, this year I vowed to read more. I want to always be in the middle of some story. I love non-fiction very much indeed, but I don't want it to be to the neglect of fiction (which I love equally). I want to experience new stories and re-live my old favorites. 

So often when I sit to read I find myself distracted and thinking of all the "more important" things I should be doing. I need to remind myself that just because I'm not physically doing something that does not mean it isn't incredibly important. I need to make space in my busy life for reading.

Today is March 7th. Last night I finished reading my fifth book this year (Hey! I've already beat last year's record.). One new friend; four old friends. My old friends I listened to on CD. It's a wonderful way to spend my commute to and from work. This morning I began reading Farmer Giles of Ham (something old) and listening to an Anne Lamott book (something new).

Happy me!

Books read in 2014:

1. Descent Into Hell (new read)

2. The Magician's Nephew

3. Peter Pan

4. The Horse and His Boy

5. Treasure Island

Guess who has two thumbs and is blogging again!! This girl!!

I woke up the other day and knew that it was time to begin writing again.

I took this hiatus from blogging, and that somehow turned into a hiatus from writing. Period.
I thought that I would spend time writing just for myself and at my own pace, but that didn't end up happening. I've jotted and scribbled a bit here and there, but not much.

I just didn't want to write. But, the other day I wanted it again. So that is good.

The only problem is that I don't seem to remember how to create a coherent string of sentences anymore. Yesterday I was frustrated over something. Frustration is oftentimes the birthplace of an essay or blog post for me...maybe that's not a good thing? As I was saying, I was frustrated and so I sat down to write it out. Instead of the words flowing from me as they used to do, I wrote something sort of like this:

"People need to keep their pie holes shut. Like: Think before you talk! You are basically dissing my deepest and most forever desire. You don't know my life! And, for the record, kids don't have to be pains in the butt. You do you. I'll do me. I can live without all the bells and whistle. I want to live simply. It's all about having the right perspective. Just love. Why not LOVE? Right? Why does everyone feel like they need to give their opinion on EVERYTHING?? If you want to be a trapeze artist or move to Timbuktu then be my guest. Everyone has a calling. Who says yours is a higher one than mine? Because I just feel. So much. This is what I want. And it is good and worthy and important. Respect that. Grace, people. Give me grace. I'll give you grace. Lyndsay out!"

Oh, so poetic. I'm a bit rusty--no?? I'll keep writing and hope that I come up with something a little better than this disastrous rant.

I'll be back soon and with a more interesting and understandable post (hopefully).

In 48 minutes I am heading to Orlando to spend the weekend at Disney. Oh yeah!

Lyndsay Out!

Hiatus

Hello,

My last post was a recommitment to blogging more faithfully. It is almost two week later and I have yet to post again. I promise you that I am much more dependable in most other aspects of my life.

The day after I wrote here I received that sad news that my Grandma had passed away suddenly. It's been a rough week. But, what a comfort and peace it brings to know that she is with her Savior and with the love of her life, Lenny again. Her memorial service was this past Saturday and it was so good to spend a day celebrating her life. So many people spoke and shared how she had impacted their lives. She loved so deeply and made everyone she met feel precious and cherished. Her mission in life was to share the story of Hope and Salvation through Christ to as many people as she could, and she did just that. In fact, she led her nurse to the Lord less than twenty-four hours before she passed away. I am so blessed to have had her in my life. But, I am going to miss her so very much. My heart is really hurting.

I've done a lot of thinking this past week. I've looked at life and I've decided that I need to take a break. I have written 114 blog entries this year. That is a lot. Blogging has been a healing and learning experience for me. I've done things and overcome things that I never thought were possible. And, I'm so grateful for it all. But, there are other things I feel like I need to focus on. The holidays are approaching, I am growing deeper in friendships, My sisters and I have been training to run a 5K, and I miss reading. I'll still be writing of course, but just not here. I'm reading Anne Lamott's "Bird by Bird" right now and it is inspiring me to try my hand at writing fiction. I don't know. We'll see. Blogging has been good. I proved to myself that I can stick with something and that I can and need to write. But, I think that I need to lean in and focus on some other areas in my life right now. I'm sure that I will be back here eventually. Today though I am signing out and I'm not sure for how long. At least until the beginning of the year I think.

I'm sad, but I think that this is the right thing to do. I have been feeling much guilt over not writing here as often as I should, and I never want my writing to be fueled by guilt. I'm looking forward to coming back. I am sure that I am going to miss it here.

Is this the 4th or 5th time that I have recommitted to writing? Oh, bother....

Writing keeps getting put on the back burner and I don't like it. I used to wake up before 6 every morning and spend over an hour reading, writing, and praying. It was such a peaceful and solid way to begin each day. Still life keeps getting fuller and fuller and I need that extra sleep. But, I'm going to try to set my alarm a little earlier for tomorrow and see if I can't try again. Because I miss it. I miss sharing and thinking. My head is ever in a tizzy lately because the thousands of thoughts buzzing about my mind have been left there to buzz and swarm and make less and less sense. When what they need is to be released and set firmly on paper...or computer.

I was running the other night by myself. The air was almost crisp, and I actually saw stars twinkling in the heavens above, and then I realized that I was praying. And, that made me happy because I love when my soul reaches out beyond it's human cage and communes with it's Creator. I try to remember to pray but it so often feels forced and quoted, but sometimes it spills out of me from my gut like second nature. It's my heart groaning for a closeness with it's King or it's a tenderness granted by the Holy Spirit for a particular person or issue. I found myself praying for a sweet friend of mine, Marie. I love her. Everyone needs a Marie in their life. And, I hope that God answered my prayer and met her that night. I hope that she felt especially loved and cherished by a God who delights in her and all of his creation.

Oh! I have an exciting post coming soon. I am going to share my list of favorite children's books. Maybe that's not exciting for you, but I'm looking forward to it. Children's stories are my favorite and I am not embarrassed to admit it. Hopefully I will finish that post up in the next few days.

It is late now, and I should go to bed if I am to get up and right early in the morning. Sleep tight.

"Fort Knox" or "I Fake Laugh So Often at Your Lame Jokes That I Have Forgotten What My Real Laugh Sounds Like."

We keep our front door locked at my office. I have to speak to any guests over the intercom before I buzz them in. As a certain gentleman came through the doors this afternoon, he exclaimed, "Man! It's like Fort Knox in here!" and then he looked at me with anticipation, waiting for me to clutch my stomach and guffaw at his hilarious joke. I obliged and threw my head back and with joy and amusement at our comedic guest. But, inside I raged with frusteration and anger because: That joke is not funny. It is in fact, quite lame. Perhaps it made me smirk the first, second, and third time I heard it. But, I have been with this company for over two years now and I hear that joke by at 80%of those who enter. Of course, these people are unaware of that, and I am sure that they are just trying to brighten the lonely receptionist's day with an original "ha-ha!". But people! Not to sound dramatic, but I would rather be stabbed in the eye with a fork than hear your stupid joke. But, I could never respond thusly for it would be quite impolite. These people do not know that they are repeating the same sentence of thousands before them. I want to scream everytime I hear it, but I can't because I am not angry at them in particular. I am angry at the accumulation of well-meaning, unfunny people's lame sense of humor. And, what can I do with that frustration except to suck it up and laugh until my sides hurt for their sake. But, know that it pains me to do so.