Last Night

 Sometimes the heavens feel extra eternal and forever if that makes any sense. Sometimes I look up at the wispy clouds and beyond to the moon and beyond to the stars and still beyond to the black nothing and my stomach flip flops with mystery and excitement. Last night was one of those nights. Carley, Maggie, and I stood outside in our pajamas and bare feet with full and empty sky above us and gusts of salty ocean air coming from the East. And, then we did what any sensible person would do and ran into the wind as fast as we could. Barefoot down the street we ran back and forth with our arms outstretched trying to catch the wind in our palms, but it of course is too clever for that and always escapes between our fingers.

As I ran with the moon smiling down on me, the taste of Atlantic salt on my tongue, and the wind whipping my hair about stories and poetry came to mind as they so often do....



Science Fiction Cradlesong
by C.S. Lewis

By and by Man will try
To get out into the sky,
Sailing far beyond the air
From Down and Here to Up and There.
Stars and sky, sky and stars
Make us feel the prison bars.

Suppose it done. Now we ride
Closed in steel, up there, outside
Through our port-holes see the vast
Heaven-scape go rushing past.
Shall we? All that meets the eye
Is sky and stars, stars and sky.

Points of light with black between
Hang like a painted scene
Motionless, no nearer there
Than on Earth, everywhere
Equidistant from our ship.
Heaven has given us the slip.

Hush, be still. Outer space
Is a concept, not a place.
Try no more. Where we are
Never can be sky or star.
From prison, in a prison, we fly;
There's no way into the sky.



“Stars are beautiful, but they may not take an active part in anything, they must just look on for ever. It is a punishment put on them for something they did so long ago that no star now knows what it was. So the older ones have become glassy-eyed and seldom speak (winking is the star language), but the little ones still wonder.” --Peter Pan by J.M. Barrie

"Besides, I can't fly.' [said Wendy]

'I'll teach you.' [Peter replied]

'Oh, how lovely to fly.'

'I'll teach you how to jump on the wind's back, and then away we go.'

'Oo!' she exclaimed rapturously."--Peter Pan by J.M. Barrie

"I have come home at last! This is my real country! I belong here. This is the land I have been looking for all my life, though I never knew it till now. The reason why we loved the old Narnia is that it sometimes looked a little like this. Bree-hee-hee! Come further up, come further in!"

He shook his mane and sprang forward into a great gallop--a Unicorn's gallop, which, in our world, would have carried him out of sight in a few moments. But ore a most strange thing happened. Everyone else began to run, and the found, to their astonishment, that they could keep up with him: not only the Dogs and the humans but even fat little Puzzle and short-legged Poggin the Dwarf. The air flew in their faces as if they were driving fast in a car without a windscreen. The country flew past as if they were seeing it from the windows of an express train. Faster and faster they raced, but no one got hot or tired or out of breath...

..If one could run without getting tired, I don't think one would often want to do anything else."--The Last Battle by C.S. Lewis

ReMoved

Reblog

Here is a a post from few months ago. I read it again this morning and thought I would repost it.

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"Lyndz, when you get back from break please come see me in my office."

That simple sentence threw me into a panic. When it comes to work, I always think "worst case scenario". I blow everything out of proportion because I must succeed at my job. If I don't rock it in every area then I am a failure.
Plain and simple.
A simple correction is heard as "You better be careful. You are walking on thin ice.".
And, so the request to go to my boss's office sent me to the bathroom stall in a full blown panic attack asking myself the most ridiculous and unwarranted questions.

Oh, my gosh! I'm getting fired. What am I going to do? This is so humiliating. What did I do wrong? I work so hard. How could this happen?

 I watched a Ted Talk recently about body language. Apparently adjusting your posture has the ability to raise your self-confidence. I needed more confidence and so I raised my eyes and lifted my arms as she had suggested. As I cleared my mind and tried to regain control of my breathing I was struck at how oddly similar this pose of confidence is to one of humble surrender. How many times have I thrown my hands up as I have prayed, giving it all to God because I have come to the end of myself?

Outstretched and open arms are a sign of both letting go and of receiving.

 Maybe our confidence is built when we raise our hands because as we do so we are simultaneously saying that we can't do it all and that we need help.

Maybe our confidence is grown because we are finally admitting to ourselves that we aren't perfect, but that we are enough.

Maybe humility and surrender go hand in hand with confidence because although we fail and falter on our own... when we give it to God and trust him, we can have full and assured confidence that he will be our strength and our refuge.

But, aren't humility and confidence at odds with one another? How does one reconcile these two things? Tim Keller's words came to mind:

"The Christian gospel is that I am so flawed that Jesus had to die for me, yet I am so loved and valued that Jesus was glad to die for me. This leads to deep humility & deep confidence at the same time."

Of course, it all must come back to the Gospel.

I am flawed...Jesus died.
I am loved...Jesus died.

It was with these comforting words and thoughts that I was able to dry my eyes and calm my breath and racing heart. I walked into her office with a confident smile knowing that even if I was terminated it would be more than fine. "Fired" doesn't equal "failure" because my identity and my confidence are not found in my job. My job is momentary in the grand scheme of eternity. Rather, my confidence is found in a Saviour who cherishes me. It's an everlasting, never failing, never gives up, always and forever love. That is something to be boldly confident in.

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No, I was not fired. I got a raise. Lesson number two: Get over yourself, Lyndsay.

Resolved

I'm not one to make New Years Resolutions. I don't like to set goals for myself unless I feel ready to complete them. If I'm not in the mood and I lack the motivation then I'd rather just avoid inevitable failure and skip making the resolution to begin with.

This year though I felt ready to make a few changes. My list was short and sweet, but achievable I think.

1. Read more books. Specifically more fiction. Lately I have stuck entirely to memoirs and biographies. I need to venture into the world of fiction and fantasy again.

2. Re-read old favorites. As Lewis said, "I can't imagine a man really enjoying a book and reading it only once."

3. Travel to four states. I am ready to give into my wanderlust.

4. Try something new every chance that I get even if it scares me.

So, let's talk about reading. I've always been an avid reader. I recently found a list of books read in my Junior year. There were 62 book on that list. I always carried a book with me. Sometimes I would stay up until 2am reading page after page of a book on my bathroom floor. Oftentimes I would stay in bed all weekend because I COULD NOT BEAR putting the book down. Obviously I couldn't maintain this reading addiction once I got a full time job and graduated. But I still read a respectable 15-20 books per year.

But, then 2013 happened. I read a total of four books last year. 

1. Carry On, Warrior

2. Sober Mercies

3. Bird by Bird

4. Girl Interrupted.

All good books. But, four?? Really?? So sad. Also, notice that these are all memoirs and autobiographies. What happened to fiction and fantasy and the classics??

So, this year I vowed to read more. I want to always be in the middle of some story. I love non-fiction very much indeed, but I don't want it to be to the neglect of fiction (which I love equally). I want to experience new stories and re-live my old favorites. 

So often when I sit to read I find myself distracted and thinking of all the "more important" things I should be doing. I need to remind myself that just because I'm not physically doing something that does not mean it isn't incredibly important. I need to make space in my busy life for reading.

Today is March 7th. Last night I finished reading my fifth book this year (Hey! I've already beat last year's record.). One new friend; four old friends. My old friends I listened to on CD. It's a wonderful way to spend my commute to and from work. This morning I began reading Farmer Giles of Ham (something old) and listening to an Anne Lamott book (something new).

Happy me!

Books read in 2014:

1. Descent Into Hell (new read)

2. The Magician's Nephew

3. Peter Pan

4. The Horse and His Boy

5. Treasure Island

Guess who has two thumbs and is blogging again!! This girl!!

I woke up the other day and knew that it was time to begin writing again.

I took this hiatus from blogging, and that somehow turned into a hiatus from writing. Period.
I thought that I would spend time writing just for myself and at my own pace, but that didn't end up happening. I've jotted and scribbled a bit here and there, but not much.

I just didn't want to write. But, the other day I wanted it again. So that is good.

The only problem is that I don't seem to remember how to create a coherent string of sentences anymore. Yesterday I was frustrated over something. Frustration is oftentimes the birthplace of an essay or blog post for me...maybe that's not a good thing? As I was saying, I was frustrated and so I sat down to write it out. Instead of the words flowing from me as they used to do, I wrote something sort of like this:

"People need to keep their pie holes shut. Like: Think before you talk! You are basically dissing my deepest and most forever desire. You don't know my life! And, for the record, kids don't have to be pains in the butt. You do you. I'll do me. I can live without all the bells and whistle. I want to live simply. It's all about having the right perspective. Just love. Why not LOVE? Right? Why does everyone feel like they need to give their opinion on EVERYTHING?? If you want to be a trapeze artist or move to Timbuktu then be my guest. Everyone has a calling. Who says yours is a higher one than mine? Because I just feel. So much. This is what I want. And it is good and worthy and important. Respect that. Grace, people. Give me grace. I'll give you grace. Lyndsay out!"

Oh, so poetic. I'm a bit rusty--no?? I'll keep writing and hope that I come up with something a little better than this disastrous rant.

I'll be back soon and with a more interesting and understandable post (hopefully).

In 48 minutes I am heading to Orlando to spend the weekend at Disney. Oh yeah!

Lyndsay Out!